Open Journal #10

In the world of survivors the phrase ‘Trigger Warning’ means more than it has become to mean in common parlance. The content may be of a nature that has the potential to trigger a flashback or similar for a survivor and may deal with a subject matter or describe things in such a way as to connect a survivor with their own trauma.

In this case it is a little explicit. The reason is that sex is, explicit. Sexual abuse is not an easy subject to discuss because it is of itself unpleasant and tough to look at. 

I could choose to not publish this entry. I could re-write and sanitise the piece. Thing is, I don’t want to. Adhering to my new found principle of being honest about this subject and not being silenced I will speak of it in any way I see fit.

Society may say a collective no. I say I have a voice and I will use it.

You may choose not to read it.

TRIGGER WARNING

I just always read it as Tigger warning and I’m ok with that. Oh the relief of getting that out of my head.

I did a weird thing the other night, i was talking to a moderator and explaining that sometimes because of the time zones i can just go into chat and nobody is there. I play music and just stay there, it’s a bit like a happy place, sometimes i think of all the funny things that people have said or done, and sometimes i just sit quietly and can’t believe my luck that i found this little room

Mod told he used to do that and that also used to practise, ‘practise what?’ i said … ‘saying stuff i wanted to say’

It stayed with me all day that thought … i went into the treehouse and did the same thing, I wrote eight lines about the first time i was first ever touched in a bad way, every line made me cry and took me ages to write. The words were all jumbled in my head and it was like i wasn’t allowed to say them, then when i was finished i just looked at them

They were like graffiti on a white wall, i felt like i wanted to leave them there so everyone could see them and then i thought i have no idea how to do that in front of people. So i left and now the wall is white again … i just checked … all the words are gone again

If you want to try that little exercise I would just add one small warning , if your timing is unlucky and off, you could post/write something at the very same moment someone comes into the room and they might see it. You know that moment when’s someone comes into the kitchen and catches you singing at the top of your voice, well like that but a redder face. It’s ok you are all in bed when I am doing it you wont disturb me.

Over the next couple of days I keep thinking I should try. Just try to write it properly, try is better than not trying. If I try and fail nobody will know and I can try again another day.

So I wrote it and stared at it for a couple of days and kept knocking it down the list, post something else, don’t post that. Then a passing comment from The Mentor (makes him sound like a baddie, and I ain’t saying who he is that would be weird) (it’s a man … if that narrows it down) … he remarked that I hadn’t actually told him anything about the actual abuse in actual words actually. He didn’t word it like that, he was right I hadn’t. I decided it was silly to not do it, so I showed him what I had written, while I waited for a response (time zone delay … he sleeps I play … he plays I sleep) I got a little bit tense.

As always he said all the right things and helped me to understand things and we continued with our discussion and the world didn’t stop turning and maybe it would be ok.

Clearly the next step was to just post it, do what I came here to do. So, this is the first time I have ever said anything about the details of my abuse.

And here it comes again …

TIGGER WARNING !

This plays in my head like a sharp coloured 4k surround sound clip from a big budget movie. It is detailed and precise, I know it’s smell and taste. There are moments when it slips into my mind without any bidding and it suddenly has me so hard it makes me light headed from the loss of blood. Other times while enjoying the pleasure of a leisurely wank it is all I can think of and the force of the release actually hurts.

I like it and despise it, it makes me feel shame and disgust in equal measure.

I am 12 years old, I worked for the Chef in the school. One day i was sat on one of the counters drinking a cup of tea and we were laughing at something and he stood in front of me and placed his hands on my knees, as he was speaking he ran his hand up my thighs until he was just shy of my cock and balls.

I instantly got hard, and was very embarrassed, i was wearing tight trousers and it was clear what was happening, I jumped down and left the kitchen as quick as possible, i was mortified that i had got an erection. I didn’t go back for two days. he eventually tracked me down and laughed it off and explained that all boys have that happen and not to worry.

I should explain that i was at that point sexually naive, actually to be fair to myself i was quite normal for the time, sexual education had been none existent for me, i had been told some very basic stuff, had no idea about masturbation, i had a few crushes on some girls at my old school but had nil experience of anything. When he had touched me and my cock had reacted i think it was as much about being touched near there not about how i felt about him, as far as i am aware i had no sexual or romantic feelings about him at all.

Life continued on for a few weeks and it was never referred to and nothing else happened. One afternoon i had been playing tennis and i walked to his home to see him. I was wearing shorts and trainers, carrying my shirt and racquet, i was very tanned (we all were then), very slim, blue eyes and completely innocent.

I complained about the fact that my shoulder was aching and i had probably been practicing my serve for too long and maybe pulled something, he offered that i could use his shower, a treat to shower alone and i did, returning with a towel around my waist still rubbing my shoulder. he told me to go and lie on the bed and he would find some oil and massage my shoulder see if that helped.

So i laid face down on his bed with the towel still wrapped around me, he massaged my shoulder and back and gradually things shifted and changed.

He pulled the towel away so he could ‘do this properly’, the massage became very sexual, i got very turned on and after a while he suggested i turn over. I was erect and didn’t want to, he laughed and persuaded me that it was no problem that we were both boys and it really didn’t matter. So i rolled over.

He was very smart, if he had grabbed my cock right away he would probably have freaked me out, but he didn’t he continued with the massage stroking and touching just about anywhere other than my genitals. Then when i was aching for him to touch me there and to do something, i’m not sure what i wanted him to do but i wanted something, he nodded at my erect cock and asked ‘what about that shall i massage that as well’ i nodded.

The moment his mouth slid over the head of my cock I convulsed with the most powerful orgasm I had ever experienced up to that moment. He stayed there gently mouthing my cock and within about 20 seconds my cock was achingly hard and I wanted more. I just wanted more.

I have felt guilt ever since. about the letting him do it, about enjoying the touching. About the intensity of the cum, about craving more of it, I was hooked from the first and I never stopped wanting more.