Open Journal # 44

I have a strange sense of fragility. As if the newness of this won’t last, and if I’m not careful, I’ll break it. Not even sure what "it" is. There are differences, and I know that things have changed. I clearly don’t feel the same way about anything anymore. I have imagery to rely on … Continue reading Open Journal # 44 →

Open Journal # 43

I thought I would focus on a couple of things my therapist discussed with me during our time together. Face to face, I mean. That latest session was full of moments where I saw things clearly for the first time. Subjects I had touched on before, here in chat and with him — snippets of … Continue reading Open Journal # 43 →

Open Journal #42

I think some weird things are happening. It almost feels as if some big things have cleared away and I can see other things I have never seen before. I bump into them, I catch myself saying something in conversation, or I am weeding the garden and an idle thought crosses my mind. A recent … Continue reading Open Journal #42 →

Open Journal #26

Happy New Year I am struggling to be all positive and bright as we start this year. The broken sleep and the endless nightmares are starting to annoy me now. There was a discussion somewhere about how when we nap during the day, we’re not asleep long enough for REM sleep to kick in, so … Continue reading Open Journal #26 →

Open Journal #22

Six weeks. I clicked on a link six weeks ago yesterday. A life-changing, line in the sand, never-be-the-same-again click. I have never had so little sleep. I can’t seem to focus on anything else. It feels all-encompassing. There’s nowhere else I want to be, nothing else I want to think about. Considering how little I … Continue reading Open Journal #22 →

Open Journal #18

The ban was lifted. I needed those couple of days to think about what happened next. What I felt about it. What it meant. As is often the way because of time zones, the chat rooms can be empty. I will often sit in one on my own and play music. I’ll write something on … Continue reading Open Journal #18 →

Open Journal #16

This is the second night of not being allowed in chat. I’m sure it’s supposed to be a punishment, though I’m still not sure what for. I made a complaint and asked for the decision to be reversed. Nothing yet. And at this rate, there won’t be a decision until the punishment is complete, so … Continue reading Open Journal #16 →

Open Journal #15

I got banned from chat. Obviously I don’t think I should have been, and I’m arguing my point, but not here. I’m four weeks into nightmares and broken sleep, sitting here at 3am alone, missing the company and the support. I’m left sitting with my own rage again. I started thinking about my inner rage … Continue reading Open Journal #15 →

Open Journal #14

I am minded to apply a Tigger warning, but to be honest in my whole life i have never met another living soul whose parents did this to them. So i don’t think a Tigger warning is needed. On the off chance that you were also locked in your room all the time consider yourself … Continue reading Open Journal #14 →

Open Journal #13

Disassociation is something I was aware of before I rocked up here. I knew the term, I knew what survivors meant when they referenced it, and I knew that I did it. Had it. Suffered from it. Caught it. What is the right term? Live with it. I live with disassociation and it with me. … Continue reading Open Journal #13 →