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I recently completed my therapy sessions and as we got near the end I asked him in an ideal world what would he do with me now? If he could choose. Would he carry on with online sessions? Do some more face to face work? or release me into the wild and let me get on with it?
I had originally gone to him with the brief of dealing with the sexual abuse and the whole thing got hijacked by the physical and emotional abuse from my father in my early childhood. The combination of therapy with him and the flood of papers and information had focused our attention on all of that.
His reasoning was that a lot of damage and been done in this period and we needed to address it and deal with it. I was left feeling as if I had tripled the problems but finally understood what I was dealing with.
His choice was for me to do more face to face work, but this time for longer, really get into, a lot more chairs to play with and a different city.
In a couple of days time I fly to Amsterdam and go to Utrecht where he has a base, an Academy where the Traumasexuality work is done. Or I am about to join a cult and assume the name of Skyflower and never be heard of again.
I will be there for a week, for more of the type of intense work we did the first time and then this time it ends. Partly because by the conclusion it will have been the equivalent of a year of therapy and frankly that is quite enough navel gazing for me. This is not my natural habitat and it makes my skin crawl to have this much focus on myself.
Also it is too expensive to keep doing, well I can’t support this and my addiction to shopping at the Apple Store. I prefer the Apple Store there is less crying and a lot less awkward silences.
He set me some homework to complete before we meet, to make a list of everything sexual that I question about myself or that gives me problems.
It’s not a problem I like it. Oh maybe that is the problem!
Is it a male thing that our initial response to any sexual question is to make jokes? Maybe we are hardwired to deflect with humour because it is one of the most complex things we deal with. In there are all of our worst fears and insecurities. I know it’s not just me, I have seen men do it all the time.
Also details of the sexual abuse. Apparently we are going to get into that and he didn’t want to just spring it on me, he would rather I have some time to think about it. I have had 50 years to think about it. I would like that to stop now.
It is the thing I have feared the most. My early childhood is blank and I have very few memories and feelings to draw on. The sexual abuse is the opposite. I have a head full of imagery and sexual acts, shame, guilt and confusion. I have no idea where to start, how to speak about these things to someone face to face. It feels impossible for me to be able to do this bit and it feels as if this is where I will fail therapy. Maybe I should write it all down and go and get a coffee while he reads it. Quicker, cheaper and less embarrassing than saying words out loud. Therapists are so into this whole ‘tell me about it’ thing.
He has one other request. That I stay away from this site and stop all my daily conversations with other survivors here and elsewhere. He thinks I should be focusing on myself and not be using my energy to listen to others problems. Just for the duration of the therapy. You don’t get rid of me that easily.
My immediate response was to tell him to do one, polite English for fuck off.
Then I figured he might have a point. It feels so strange the idea of walking into this without any of you. The silence will be deafening and the sense of being alone will be just weird.
To do this properly requires my full attention and the distraction of others might be detrimental. Also it might be a healthy thing to do, manage without you, learn to cope on my own.
Just therapy, eating, sleeping, music, pondering, thinking, learning. No responsibilities, no everyday problems, no distractions.
To be fair my intention was always to go all in, hand myself over to him completely and utterly. I guess this is just fulfilling that brief in the most stark and absolute way that I can. For one week my only thing will be therapy.
From the moment I leave British soil until the moment I leave Dutch soil the other end, my self imposed ban. No Open Journal for two weeks. No chat room or posts. Not even logging on. No Whatsapp chats with any survivors. No reading books or articles related to abuse.
I will allow one early morning phone call with my wife so someone knows I am alive and safe. Also one dinner with dutch friends who live nearby and we can just call that a night off. We all need a night off. With I imagine a very large drink, I can think of no reason why not.
I want this behind me. There is a desire within me to be moving forward and leaving this in the distance. I know that is almost an impossible thing to fulfil and everything tells me that it will stay with me until the day I die. If I can’t have that, then I want autonomy over it. I want the ability to deal with it when I come across it, I want tools to be able to cope with it when it sideswipe’s me out of nowhere.
I want to know that there is no aspect of this terrible thing that controls me any longer. If I haven’t dealt with parts of it then at least it is a work in progress and I have the skills and the knowledge and I know what I need to do. It’s time to let me go
gotta go … need to pack … try and behave … at least make the effort
Tot Ziens !
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