Open Journal #28

full collection links 1- 10 . 11-20 . 21-30

Part One ~ Looking for a Therapist 

When I read the book Traumasexuality, I felt it would be amazing if I could find a therapist who was trained in this stuff. It clicked with me, so much so that immediately and completely I shifted in my thinking and I could see the possibility of having a therapist.

I had a little look around, the author is Dutch and has a training academy in Holland. I lived in Holland for a few years, in fact I was married there, but never learnt the language well enough to go on a course. You would not believe how good their English is. I could find no talk of therapists and no information anywhere. 

Nothing in the UK at all, no mention of the book and nobody applying it in their practise. With Christmas and New Year fast approaching and I decided it was the wrong time of the year to try and talk to people. I left it alone.

I really did not imagine it was going to be possible, but I thought it was maybe worth exploring and maybe I could find someone who would be willing to do online sessions. Then again how would I find them. Lowered my expectations and decided I should settle for finding a good trauma therapists. A problem for the New Year.

After the holidays I decided I would make a concerted effort to see if I could find a traumasexual expert. I went to their website and spent time translating blocks of text to see if I could find any clues. Eventually I came across a sentence that referred to a list of therapists they had trained, but they were not recommending, just listing. Found the list. 

The criteria i started with was, male, speaks English, is willing to do online, trained in Traumasexual stuff, that I like and feel I can talk to, oh and who thinks they can fix me.

I looked at all the men and read their websites. Kept returning to one, I was drawn to how he wrote and what he had to say. Summoned up some courage and made the call. Answer machine. Hang up. Not sure what to say. Have a think about it.

Ten minutes later he called me, curious who was calling him from the UK. We chatted for about ten minutes or so. He made me laugh five times so you know, done deal. We agreed to meet online in a couple of days. When I hung up I cried and was shaking. I had no idea why. There was something about this first step that felt massive. As an added bonus he lives and works in Utrecht and Rotterdam, both places i have lived and know well. 

I was equally excited and scared, i also feel odd that in a few weeks i have gone from absolutely never going to happen, to being on the brink of signing up. I put it down to all i have learnt and realising i need help but maybe there is also a sense of it being the right time.

We are meeting today and i have woken up feeling anxious and a whirl of emotions.

Yesterday i had a day nap and decided to try something, i placed a small speaker on my bedside table and played an apple playlist of sleep sounds very low volume. I slept deeply and soundly. So at night time i decided to go one step further. i wore my noiseless ear buds to bed and played the same playlist. It worked very well indeed. At 1.30am a voice said very loudly LOW BATTERY, i jumped awake absolutely terrified. 

So i will need to nap today because i am so tired and so tense. Since agreeing to do this, at least a dozen times i have thought about it and from the centre of my being i start to cry. It feels as if my inner child is relieved, as if inside i have wanted this help for a very long time. 

Part Two ~ Finding a Therapist

I have a found a therapist. We met online and talked. Within twenty minutes it felt as if we had known each other for years. I have no idea if it was because I was ready to do this, or he was just very likeable, or maybe just that whole run into someone you instantly click with thing. 

I had written a sketch overview so we had a head start when we met, I had explained about my violent father, he told me he thought my father was a coward  and i immediately thought ‘well he better not get to hear about that cos he will be really mad with you’. He is dead. I think there is very definitely some work to do there.

He told me he was a father of three boys and from deep inside i had this thought really clearly ‘oh good then you can father me properly’ and it made me feel so calm.

I told him that i had decided i was going to answer any questions honestly even if it made me look bad or made me uncomfortable. He said, ‘good when would you like to start?’ I said, ‘right away’. He then fired a load of questions at me, then after a while he grinned and said, ‘you weren’t kidding were you, this is gonna be fun’ … great i got a funny one !

I was told to take my time, i was told don’t buy the first dress you see, i was given a list of things to do when looking for a therapist. I went with the first person I had ever felt I could tell anything to. I went for the first person I felt so safe with that I could speak the unspeakable. I went for a dutchman, who I had never met and am going to have to fly 55 minutes to be face to face with.

Today i have agreed to a plan, couple of online sessions, then two long intensive days with him in Rotterdam, then some more online sessions. We are going to meet online and finalise our plans in the next couple of days. 

My plan is to just put myself in his hands, to trust in the process and to lean into the idea that he knows what he is doing. For the first time in my life i just have to believe that someone can help me.

Ik denk echt dat het goed komt.