Open Journal #27

full collection links 1- 10 . 11-20 . 21-30

Someone gave me a link to some interesting stuff for me to read, I was always the kid who read the back of cereal packets, I will read anything. In this case I am finding it thought provoking. 

It mentioned the phrase ‘self soothe’, never heard it before. Asked wife if she had come across it and she explained that I was rubbish at self soothing and she spends quite a lot of time soothing me because I had never known how to do it for myself. Starting to wonder if wife is taking the opportunity to score a few points along the way.

We talked about it while I gradually became more and more horrified how hard it must be to live with me. I was under the illusion, now shattered, that I was reasonably self aware. Seems I am not self very much at all at the moment.

I do the basics, music self soothes me. I have a pair of amazing noiseless ear buds that close off the world and wrap me in whatever I want to immerse myself in. As much as that soothes I also use them to cut me off and distance me from the world when I want to isolate myself. Which is probably less healthy

I like long baths with a good book or with the ear buds, Chopin and a cup of tea. I have a thing for sitting in hotel lobbies/bars writing, with an amazing view, I never mind waiting for people, usually my wife as she finishes up something really important. I have no idea what she does, she is like Chandler, nobody has a clue what she does and nobody is brave enough to ask in case she tells us and we don’t understand the answer.

It is the bigger things like anger, rage and panic, they are the ones I have no idea about. They wash over me and engulf me in strong powerful feelings. No idea where they come from and no idea how to deal with them when they arrive. They just consume me. It feels as if it has always been thus but I can’t imagine I was born like it. So like most things I currently ponder over, I just assume it originates in trauma and am none the wiser. A prisoner with no prospect of parole.

One of the other things I read was a definition of the three types of abuse. Physical, Emotional and Sexual. Wife and I reviewed them together, I was pretty clear about the sexual abuse, seemed a bit unnecessary to review but for the sake of completion we went through the list. Never in any doubt really.

The Physical abuse is a new area, I mean I know I was, I have just never discussed it or thought about what it involved. It made me very sad to see it all written down and to think about how I had been treated. I am currently in that mode where the more I think about it the more I remember and the more the memory of it hurts. I have no idea what to do with it all and I fear that somewhere along the line I am going to have to actually speak about it and I am not sure that I have words to describe it.

What I find especially weird is that I have done this once before, this is what disclosing sexual abuse felt like. So in one sense I know what the road looks like and also the problem is, I know what the road looks like. Not sure I want to do that journey again. Maybe I can just say I did but not bother, who is gonna know? Maybe this time I should try it with a therapist maybe that makes it easier. Or maybe they ask difficult and annoying questions like ‘how does that make you feel?’

Then we looked at Emotional Abuse and I almost just glanced and dismissed it, but as we started to go through the list I was horrified to realise that we were adding this as well. Wife confirmed that I clearly had the set. In a rational and adult way I immediately blamed the person who had given me these things to read. Oh they know who they are and I suspect they knew what they were doing. New rule, stop reading stuff!

That was 24 hours ago and I am still adjusting to the idea. It has overwhelmed me and upset me. I was only just coping with the sexual abuse and all that brings. This feels as if I will never get out from under it. 

i have these strange chain of thoughts, almost a third of my life was spent being abused in one way or another and that feels significant and important. I start to wonder what chance i ever really had and it crowds my mind that i don’t understand why. Any one of the three would be tough to deal with and it feels a little unfair. It explains the dysfunction that i feel about how i relate to people, or don’t relate to them. I have a deep mistrust of people’s motives and am wary of anybody trying to befriend me. It takes me forever to trust people enough to confide in them.

I once had the experience of discovering i had a half brother. A black belt in karate as it happens. I flew over to meet him and stayed a few days. At one point i was smoking a cigarette in his back garden and he came out to talk to me, i made some half joking smart ass comment and he grabbed my by the throat and pushed me against a wall and threatened me, i was terrified and it made me very wary of him. I mention it because looking back it feels as if everywhere i turned there were abusive people in my life. 

Except here, it is the reason I am so befuddled by the relationships here. How I have reacted to meeting people here is so out of character and confusing. In the real world I would be polite but cautious and careful. It would take me forever to call someone a friend. I’m not an idiot, I am not about to climb into the back of a van to see the puppies. For some reason I have felt comfortable enough to switch filters to off. 

My usual assumption that no man is to be trusted had just melted away. I am constantly amazed at how much i learn and how much i laugh with you all. Maybe without my normal shields i am relaxed. Maybe it is the feeling that nobody is here to hurt me. 

I am trying to see all of this information as a definition of symptoms and damage that has already happened  to me. Nothing has changed I just have some words to describe the damage. The damage was already done, the damage has already done its worst. I have been living with the damage for a very long time. It was just longer than I thought. It was just more than I thought. It was probably just deeper than I thought.

At the moment it feels as if I am more damage than anything else.

That is a lot to think.