I just wanted to write about this because I want my feelings about it out there. For this survivor it was an interesting experience. It revealed things to me that I wasn’t aware of, and I learnt a thing or two.
Obviously on arrival here I wandered into the Survivors Stories forum. Had a bit of a read and fell apart. I just kept crying, one moment I was horrified by the way boys have been treated, the next I wanted to hug them and comfort them. I had no idea how to put into words how they made me feel, a week later and I still can’t. I’ve carried on reading, just a few at a time, just so I can pace myself. I will get through them, it might take some time.
As I read I started to wonder what this felt like. To write and have people read it, to have people understand that part of you that is normally held close and protected. Don’t get me wrong I have possibly done more than most to tell my story. But not like that, not the details, not the graphics, not the feelings, or the aftershocks or the wounds or the scars.
I have talked to the police and made statements but they were proper grown up medical words. Not words with feelings. Not strong words. Not words that matter. Words as facts. They are different. I’ve spoken of abuse but just headlines. This age, blah blah bad man blah blah type thing.
After a few days I started to realise that if I couldn’t do it like others had I could write the first half. I could take the sanitised, suitable for human consumption version and use that as a starting point. Work on finding the bravery to write anything else later. Then the thought that spurred me on, if nothing else it will prove to myself that I mean this, this is for real, I’m not messing about. I want to heal I want to get better I don’t want to hide anymore, I want this to start. This is my first move, write it and put it out there, then do what you came here for, healing and caring. Ok then.
Once I had written it I found I had publishers block, it’s like writers block but involves more lunches and a bigger cut of the profits. Wherever I go in life I find myself drawn to people who make me laugh and make me feel safe, I find it easy to fall into friendship with the people who are right to. This place is no exception and in fact one of the best that I have ever come across. I have no idea why yet, just not figured it out yet, what is going on?
That’s not a complaint it is a delight, I have to stop myself, check and wait in case I come across as a teenage boy with crushes all over the place. It is healthy for me and I can feel it playing its part in healing me. So anyway I might have collected a few of these gems in recent days and we are having a great time.
I explained that I was just kind of frozen in the headlights of indecision and they grabbed my hand and pulled me into a discussion and got me to post it in there and they read it and I practised trying not to be sick. They assured me it was fine and then stuck around while I did the actual posting and we went into the chat room and hung out to wait for 48 hours and the reviews.
Maybe 20 minutes later it was up, apparently it says up to not after 48 hours. So there we were then it was out there. Over the next couple of hours three people read it, one of them I knew who it was. Went to bed and it was five. Which you know is ok but it’s four I don’t know.
The next morning it was 25. and I was starting to feel a bit uneasy. It’s the not knowing who has read it that was bothering me, no it wasn’t, it was the loss of control that was bothering me. It is always what bothers me. No doubt it will always bother me until the end of time.
Later I was in the chat room and I commented that I was stifling the urge to march into that forum and press delete on the whole thing. A nearby mod pointed out that you couldn’t actually do that. What is wrong with you people?! Never occurred to you we might need a delete button, right there, what do you mods do all day?! Still no idea to be honest.
Mr chirpy mod told me that all I can do is go into edit mode and delete everything back to one full stop … ok period if you need a translation. Well I can’t do that then, people would know I did it but chickened out, only thing worse than losing control? chickens coming home to roost.
My next plan was to just ignore it. Denial has a track record where this kind of thing is concerned. Just don’t think about. No need to go in that room for a bit. What you don’t know can’t hurt you.
That was going fine until I wanted to add a link to stuff in the bottom of my signature, well it pays to advertise, and I had to go in there to get the link. 52. Oh ok. That’s a lot of people. Then I noticed the person below me had 200. 200! Left the room and tried not to think about it. They probably know more people than I do. Just leave it alone don’t go back.
That was really working fine. Only thought about it a little, no actual vomit. Doing fine.
Late last night was quite sleepy and just checked a couple of messages and was about to leave when I noticed someone on their own. He had been there the night before and he was one of those quite hopeless with computers types. We all have them in our families, can’t train them can’t shoot them.
I stuck around for an hour and helped him post his story, blind leading the eyes gouged out and had to return to the forum to be able to explain the moves he would have to make. 93
Ok, well that’s that, sometime tomorrow that is going to slip over 100 and then we have just lost all control. I will never know who has read it and I don’t care anymore. You know why?
Before me hundreds of boys told their story and after me there will be hundreds more. That’s the problem with this numbers game, there are too many of us. Those numbers are the ones that really make me sick.Those are the numbers that really make me sick.
a blog less ordinary 