Open Journal #4

I like bits of language, cute little phrases especially ones that capture a feeling or make me laugh, and with an accent they are just delightful. Just about any phrase even just some words in Welsh. A northern English accent just lends itself to good dry delivery.

I was once jokingly telling a younger guy off for trying to get me to give him something and he grinned with boyish charm and said ‘shy boys get nowt’ (nowt is Yorkshire for nothing). I was delighted and he got what he wanted from me and I walked away with one of my favourite mantras. Try it, it covers a lot of ground.

A funny northern TV presenter walking around an art gallery and stands in front of a victorian picture of a large ample woman and he says to camera ‘by heck she’s flattened some grass in her time’. Oh I have spent years resisting the urge to use that one.

I have a phrase that I bend and play with a lot, I like the idea of ‘finding the edges of something’, playing around, feeling around, testing the edges of something. It has the sense of caution but still trying. It means you are engaged and looking but not fully committed, exploring and understanding but not getting too close.

I have been doing it here in this place where so much is said, comments and opinions and a sense or urgency, to understand and make sense, as we try to communicate our feelings and our pain.

Touching the edges of fear. Leaning against the edges of understanding. Toying with the idea of bravery. Holding the edges of panic.

I just like the idea of not rushing in, having time to feel my way and grow accustomed to the weight of the thing. I don’t want to be pushed or pulled along, I want to know what I am getting into and be sure of my footing. I like the edges of a thing. I even like the edges of a person, their smile drawing me in, their laughter drawing me in, their eyes showing me they are to be trusted. Getting me closer in my own time, not rushing me, letting me feel the edges of them first.

Over my first week there have been all these phrases that I have either never heard before, or heard them and never thought to ask what they mean. They intrigue me so I make them the question of the day. Then I realised a day wasn’t really enough time. So I figured I would take three of them and keep bugging people and reading about them until there was a glimmer of understanding.

These are the first three, Acting Out … just sound like a dress rehearsal to me, the words not the actual thing. I have had as many different opinions as people I have asked on this one. Can’t really say it is getting any clearer at the moment. I think I get it, and it might apply, just waiting for something to click and then it will come into focus.

Hyper-Sexual, new words never heard them before. I Like the feel of it and it feels like a fit. I don’t like labels, I usually find I can’t swallow a whole one. I can tick off a few of the symptoms right off the bat and will probably horrify myself with how many get a tick and I had no idea. I’m starting to notice this whole honesty thing is not easy.

Hyper-Vigilance is also new to me and not really sure of it. I suspect maybe it manifests itself in ways that I don’t see very clearly. Or maybe what I mean is, that it is so much a part of my behaviour I just see it as ‘oh that’s just me’ ’that’s who I am’. Maybe we are too close and thats what friends and therapists are for.

Talking of therapist I was in a chat here with a friend and they asked if I had one. I explained no and why and then followed up with a favourite line of mine. ‘It’s a cultural thing as well’ I said ‘you all have one but we don’t, we keep them for special occasions.’ There was a pause and then he asked ‘Isn’t this a special occasion?

fuck

maybe