I thought I would take a moment to explain a few things.
Open Journal is posted on an American site, hence the odd explanation of Britishness to avoid confusion. You don’t need to know where, clearly it is for the likes of me. Imagine I am a stamp collector and it is a site for people interested in the fine details of stamp collecting.
I realised that while I had said quite clearly I was a survivor, I had gone to the police and done all the things I had done. I hadn’t ever had therapy, never focused on the ways it had damaged me. I had never looked at the trauma and I had never seen or discussed all the abuse in any detail. For many complicated reasons I had just never done any of the things I perhaps should have done.
The survivors site helped to keep me safe and empowered me to be able to discuss unspeakable things. The route to therapy was weird and unusual and led me to embrace a very specific and intense method.
There are a few reasons why I decided to publish it on a blog. I felt the discussion of abuse should be had in a wider context. I have always felt this and I am aware there are some who think I should shut up about it now. Thing is that it doesn’t stop or become less of a problem.
I thought that it might be of interest to explain the road I have travelled the last six months. That I didn’t just wake up one morning and decide that after all these years I needed to discuss it all again.
Also it is for me, to take steps forward. To apply the principle clearly and loudly that none of this was my fault. There is no shame in speaking about it and acknowledging the impact it has had on me. Where it has left me and what I deal with every day. How it feels to navigate the world and what I need to do to cope.
It helps me to avoid the urge to step back and avoid and sidestep. Facing something head on and putting myself in situations where I can’t avoid it means I am forced to keep moving forwards. The more of you that know the truth means the less I can hide and pretend.
That matters because the aftermath and repercussions don’t stop and if you stand still and let them overwhelm you then it can be tempting to return to old ways of coping.
You are allowed to ask questions, or comment, or quibble.