Open Journal # 43

I thought I would focus on a couple of things my therapist discussed with me during our time together. Face to face, I mean. That latest session was full of moments where I saw things clearly for the first time. Subjects I had touched on before, here in chat and with him — snippets of … Continue reading Open Journal # 43 →

Open Journal #42

I think some weird things are happening. It almost feels as if some big things have cleared away and I can see other things I have never seen before. I bump into them, I catch myself saying something in conversation, or I am weeding the garden and an idle thought crosses my mind. A recent … Continue reading Open Journal #42 →

Open Journal #41

When I arrived at Schiphol airport I needed to catch a train to Utrecht and I assumed I would pay with a swipe of a phone or my apple watch using a bank card. I found myself stepping on a train that was just leaving and realised I hadn’t seen anything to swipe and in … Continue reading Open Journal #41 →

What could you try for the first time?

To be completely accurate, could try, should try, and am trying. I recently participated in a lot of therapy, and one of the little side streets of discussion was all about how I had done certain things and been a certain way to comply with an abusers version of me. I guess you could say … Continue reading What could you try for the first time? →

Open Journal #40

The last week has been spent sleeping and recovering. Therapist warned me I would feel tired, but I had no idea he meant like this. The usual waking at 3am Cortisol dump has never let up and I have learnt to just accept that will happen and if I need to nap later I do. … Continue reading Open Journal #40 →

Open Journal #39

i am smoking a cigarette outside my hotel, it is 6.21am and a man stops and asks me where the station is, in french. I don't speak french but i know enough words to work out what he wants and point him in the right direction. I hope it was the station he wanted. I … Continue reading Open Journal #39 →

What skill would you like to learn?

The art of diplomacy, patience, and the ability to stay calm in the face of frustration, would be good skills to acquire. I am sure if i was a more noble person my first inclination would be to want those skills. In reality my heart yearns to be able to play the piano, or speak … Continue reading What skill would you like to learn? →

What’s your all-time favourite album

Songs In The Key Of Life ~ Stevie Wonder It was released in September 1976, and I was 15 years and eleven months old, and I owned it on the day of release. I had saved up money, waited impatiently, the release had been delayed while he remixed and fiddled.It was a double album, gatefold … Continue reading What’s your all-time favourite album →

Open Journal #38

I recently completed my therapy sessions and as we got near the end I asked him in an ideal world what would he do with me now? If he could choose. Would he carry on with online sessions? Do some more face to face work? or release me into the wild and let me get … Continue reading Open Journal #38 →

three jobs you’d consider pursuing if money didn’t matter

This is a safe topic for me to discuss because I am mere weeks away from my 65th birthday; so there is no danger of me ever doing any of them. There is no time left to train or apply for any of these jobs, before I hit retirement age. So who would hire me, … Continue reading three jobs you’d consider pursuing if money didn’t matter →