I have probably mentioned this in chat at some point, it is a favourite hobby of mine. Well, to be perfectly honest, it is a game, it is pitched as a game. The One Liner Game. It has simple rules. Not if you should or shouldn’t but are you brave enough.
It works on the premise that in every situation there is an ultimate one liner to be delivered. The fun is the trial and error of finding it and delivering it. Are you brave enough to, and is that the ultimate version, or is there better out there?
There are situations that lend themselves to the game so brilliantly they become dangerous places to be, for fear that you might play. Small tip before you consider joining in. Always read the room. Unless you’re feeling brave. Then ignore the room.
Weddings and funerals are delightful playgrounds for this game, you can toy with potential possibilities and consider the impact and who would be most shocked. You can consider whether it is bad enough to have you thrown out or if it will just cause a ripple of shock and awe.
The apex of reward is loud explosive laughter or a shocked silence that wraps the room in disbelief. Either would be considered a win, your job is to decide on the best line for the job and deliver it with style and aplomb. It has to land, it has to be timed to perfection.
At a wedding there is a moment where the Vicar asks if there is anybody who objects to this union, this splicing, this bringing together. That is your cue to get nervously to your feet, almost apologetically, and reach for your inside jacket pocket while saying the line “what kind of thing counts … only I have this list”.
At a funeral, at the precise beat of the coffin being lowered into the grave, you turn to the person on your left, no matter who it is, and deliver the line in an overly theatrical whisper that can be heard by all and sundry: “I never liked him … you?” If it is the mother of the deceased all the better.
You can stumble across them by accident. Julian Clary, a British camp comedian hosting a late night slightly more risqué version of Mr & Mrs, is interviewing the next couple to be contestants.
Julian: “And here we have Karen and Dennis. Now you are not married are you, Karen?”
Karen: “No, we’re not, we live together.”
Julian: “Bit of a trollop are you, Karen?”
It helps if you know the precise camp tone of Julian Clary’s voice but you can see how delicious the timing and delivery of that would be.
Personally I enjoy little moments with members of the public. Standing at the back of a lift and as people cram in, you wait until the lift doors click shut and it moves away, just at the moment where there is no escape you just say loudly and firmly “thank you so much for making this meeting.”
I was in Saks on 5th Avenue, the location couldn’t matter less but it adds something to know it was in this church to all that is snooty and retail. My wife is wandering around somewhere near and I am trying on sunglasses, because I can, and the sales lady doesn’t know I would never buy $1000 sunglasses, so I can play all I like. This polished, refined, perfectly made-up woman starts a conversation with me and as soon as I speak she melts and purrs at me, “Oh my, you are British, say something British for me, go on …”
My wife returns at the precise moment that I lower the sunglasses on my nose and in a slightly enquiring tone say “fuck off”? Luckily the woman laughs and the wife sighs with relief and hustles me away before I can do any more damage.
Another occasion in the same store, we are treating ourselves to a little lunch and we have one of those gay, funny, beautiful young waiters, all eye candy and flirting and enjoyable to have around types, and he presents the bill and I slide a Platinum Amex card onto the plate and he scurries away.
On his return he slightly genuflects and places the plate down and whispers “I am so sorry the card was rejected” then after a slight beat grins in the most mischievous way at my wife and they both enjoy my utter shock, as I face the possibility of my shopping trip being curtailed. Yes actually, my face was a picture and they both enjoyed themselves far too much.
It is important to recognise a good one liner, even if you are on the receiving end of one. Now go play. Enjoy!
a blog less ordinary 