The last week has been spent sleeping and recovering. Therapist warned me I would feel tired, but I had no idea he meant like this. The usual waking at 3am Cortisol dump has never let up and I have learnt to just accept that will happen and if I need to nap later I do. This week I am just dropping where I am like an over wrought toddler, head lolling on the sofa or a garden bench, occasionally an actual bed if I make it that far. The sleep seems to matter more than the comfort so I just let it occur and slip into a deep slumber.
My state of mind seems fragile and unsure. There has definitely been a shift in my thinking. Instead of the usual noise and fractured thoughts there is a calm and rational sense to anything to do with my abuse.
We have done all kinds of exercises, explained things and discussed things. Something we stumble across one morning is crystal clear the following afternoon and I can’t see why I ever struggled with it. We spent hours discussing the various forms of abuse and its impact, the damage, where it originated. It felt as if I had an overview, real clarity and insight, which started the process of re-structuring my thoughts around these things.
The last few days I have sometimes let my mind wander across the landscape of my abuse and things look very different and it doesn’t create the same angst it once did. No idea if this is permanent, but it feels ok, as if it no longer has the same vicious hold over me that it once did.
Another thing that shifted and changed was the feeling that I no longer wanted to isolate and stay away from people. One morning I just felt I didn’t want to be alone in a hotel room and I went shopping, in search of noise and people and a cafe for some lunch. I thought about how I had removed myself from everyone over recent years. A deliberate act post covid to extend the feeling of safety and not interacting with people and keeping my distance.
I ruminated and explored these feelings over the next week and when I returned home I realised that I was faced with the prospect of explaining myself over and over whenever I found myself in front of friends and family. I wrote a little piece and posted it on Facebook, explained and apologised for my behaviour. Went a long way in the other direction and explained my abuse and the therapy and declared myself and the hope that I could manage to step forward and get back to some kind of normal life.
I only add people to Facebook if I know someone, as in, if I walked into a pub and they were there, I would recognise them and would buy them a drink kind of know them. 500+ people in one go, stomach churning leap in the dark, get it over with, don’t look back I m not going that way kind of decision. I also don’t have notifications switched on social media apps so I have no idea about comments until the next time I happen to logon and look. Balm to the soul is a lot of love and support from friends and family and now it seems to be something I feel and register. Another change is the feeling of connection with my emotions.
I had an online therapy session yesterday and circumstances meant he was driving somewhere and the first 15 minutes was him driving and talking to me. I was convinced I was going to witness him crashing because of talking to me. He arrived and parked up to wait for someone and we did a kind of mobile session.
While we were talking I realised something about him. I started to remember all the ways he had cared for me during our sessions. Refilling a glass of water whenever I needed it, a coffee cup slid into my hand, my juggling ball dropped into my hands from above when he saw I had left it somewhere else. A hug when tears silenced me and sitting in silence when I needed to process and feel.
It was like the kind of care and parenting I had lacked and never experienced. The kind of pure friendship that heals and shows you what is possible. A weird mix of feelings that has taken a little while to sift through and understand. I was so lost in my pain and confusion I wasn’t aware of it in the moment. It had an impact and it added to the sense of trust and helped create the atmosphere of being nurtured. Healthy things to experience and in hindsight I can see how it contributed to my sense of being cared for.
People have talked about how mad it is do have done this intensive version of therapy and many have recoiled in horror at the idea of it. I learnt one of the reasons why it works so well. There is no break of a week between sessions. No discussing something and picking it up next week, instead you take a breath move onto the next step. Dive right in and follow the train of thought, keep going, push through.
Things covered, lessons learnt, techniques understood can be applied and used during the next bit. A sense of a process and a purpose, a journey in the truest sense, travelling forward and seeing things change before your eyes. The opposite of hindsight, understanding of where you are heading and starting to want it, reaching for the next horizon and standing on hilltops and admiring the view.
I get that it isn’t for everyone, and I am aware that I was very clear on what I wanted and in many ways I knew what I was getting into. It also felt as if the decision to hand myself over and trust him made his job easier. No wasted time questioning his motive or trustworthiness, just assume he has your best interest at heart and knows what he is doing. Carte blanche to assume the project manager role and lead the way. If your therapist is strong and decisive and knows where he is headed it is an empowering thing and fills you with confidence.
I am very aware that our time together is drawing to a close. From here on it is just me and I am going to have to learn how to navigate these things on my own. I feel very unsure of myself, as if I don’t quite know who I am any more.
I am sure if I asked him I could organise some kind of regular appointment but I am wary of having a therapist just for the sake of having a therapist. Of course it would be great to meet fortnightly or even once a month. The safety net of having him to talk things through with and to have his guidance would be amazing.
It feels as if I will learn more if I trip and stumble and learn to get up on my own, stand on my own two feet. I never thought I would say this, but I am enjoying the fact that the subject of abuse is allowed to be discussed openly and I am adjusting to the idea that people ask me questions about it.
I have been cautious and adjusting to things since I got home, I am starting to feel stronger and that this is ok and it will last and it might just be my new normal.
a blog less ordinary 