On what subject(s) are you an authority?

Daily writing prompt #10

Some of these questions accidentally steer you into belittling yourself. Not on purpose, I think it is just where the question leads you. I start off full of hope and I sit and think about the question and write and delete and write and delete. Eventually I resign myself to the fact that I can’t answer it. 

I mean I can answer the question quickly and efficiently. Nothing. Absolutely, no question, without fear or favour, no argument, nothing!

I know nothing and understand less.

Like all men I think I am an authority on driving, a specialist areas include how to park our car, other idiot drivers, and why nobody is courteous on the road anymore with special mention to bus drivers.

I am more than happy to pontificate about what is wrong with whichever government is currently ruining our country, but my beautifully structured arguments and reason collapse in the face of the very good point my learned friend just made and I guess it is my turn to get the beer. 

I know about music, at least I think I do, but music is one of those things defined by taste, age and culture. My knowledge can easily be reduced to very little if I swap countries or the discussion turns to country or heavy metal, two areas of music I know very little about, – oh and I don’t want to. Or if a teenager joins in, who knows what they are ever talking about. 

I know about Apple products. I know about the ones I use. I know more than the average person, but less than someone who works at a Genius Bar at an Apple Store. I imagine that is hundreds of people. So not an authority.

I don’t have a job with any authority. I don’t speak with any authority. I don’t hold any position of authority. Even my dogs only obey me if they were going that way anyway or there is the faint possibility of a biscuit.

I suppose I could make a passable attempt at addressing an audience with an air of authority. However, if there are too many people who actually know me in the audience, there would be a slight whiff of disbelief in the air, and that can undermine authority.

I would make a hopeless teacher because I am highly likely to giggle if something was funny, so I could never tell anyone off with any conviction. Not sure I could be a policeman because I can be quite gullible and believe people’s sob stories, so my arrest rate would be appalling. 

Equally, I would make a terrible judge; my mind wanders when I am bored, I enjoy humming to myself if someone inadvertently says a song lyric while speaking about something. The need for coffee or a wee can easily erase my concentration. I think a judge with no authority is just a waste of my time and yours.

I am not sure I have any authority; nothing obvious. I mean, I am not totally useless; I have skills. I can clean a house. I grow things. I am creative. I am fun to have around, I think. I can be funny. I can get a gin and tonic in your hand before you have even hung up your coat. 

You will notice that none of these things require any authority, and I am not an authority on any of them. I just know how to do them. I am capable. Vaguely useful. I serve a purpose.